Losing a loved one to violence in the form of gun violence, suicide or homicide can be incredibly painful. Survivors of violent loss often grapple with trauma. They may feel many emotions that differ from or are more intense than those associated with traditional grief. If you know a survivor of violent loss, you may be unsure if you can help. However, offering you support is valuable and can let them know they are not alone.
To be supportive, it’s essential to have basic knowledge of shared emotions and experiences associated with violent loss. Be aware that people grieve and react to trauma differently, and a survivor may have changing, conflicting or stigmatized feelings.
Trauma and PTSD
Trauma responses are emotional responses to a stressful and often dangerous event. Trauma can make someone react to certain situations differently than they would before the incident. The violent death of a loved one can be traumatic. Some people who have lost a loved one to violence develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is treatable, often by a combination of psychotherapy and medication. Symptoms include:
Intrusive memories and flashbacks of the trauma
Avoidance of people or places that are reminders of trauma
Avoiding talking about the trauma
Adverse changes in mood, such as hopelessness about the future, feeling emotionally numb or feeling detached from others
Changes in emotional and physical reactions, such as being easily frightened, being on guard for danger, having trouble sleeping and more
Complicated grief
Complicated grief, or prolonged grieving disorder, is an intense form of grief that continues one year after a loss (six months in adolescents and children). Studies show complicated grief is more likely in survivors of violent loss than other bereaved people and that suddenness of death and PTSD may be factors. Those experiencing complicated grief are often treated with psychotherapy. According to the American Psychiatric Association, symptoms include:
Identity disruption
Disbelief about the death
Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead
Intense emotional pain (such as anger, bitterness, sorrow)
Difficulty with reintegration (such as problems engaging with friends, pursuing interests and planning for the future)
Emotional numbness
Feeling that life is meaningless
Feeling alone or detached from others
In addition to the symptoms associated with complicated grief and trauma, survivors may experience:
Difficulty finding meaning. Bereaved people are often told to find meaning in the death of their loved one, but when someone has died suddenly and violently, it can be hard to find any purpose or closure.
Anger and vengeful feelings. Some survivors feel anger towards the person who caused the death. They may have vengeful thoughts about hurting or killing the person. They want there to be consequences for their actions.
Fear. Survivors may feel anxious about their own safety or that of their loved ones after losing someone suddenly to violence.
Challenges with the legal system and media. The media sometimes report violent deaths and survivors may often participate in legal investigations. Interactions with police, reporters and lawyers may feel like an invasion of privacy or be an added stressor. Survivors may be invested in the outcome of a legal case or how death is reported because they want justice for their loved one.
Ways to be supportive
Below are some tips for starting a conversation with a survivor and offering support.
Listen. The survivor should lead conversations about their grief. Often a survivor just wants and needs to talk about their loved one and have someone listen. Avoid giving advice or saying you understand what they are going through; a survivor’s emotions and experience are unique to them. Do not judge a survivor based on their feelings.
Accept silence. Sometimes a survivor will not want to talk, and that is okay. Simply showing your support through being present with them can be enough.
Be respectful. Don’t probe for details about the death. Doing so can be difficult for survivors to discuss and they will be more comfortable choosing what they wish to share.
Be direct. It’s okay to acknowledge what has happened. Say the deceased’s name openly and respectfully. People are sometimes afraid to speak the deceased’s name; it is common for survivors to want their loved one’s name to remain as part of the conversation.
Offer practical help. Tasks like watching children, getting groceries and cleaning can be an added stressor for grieving survivors. You can be supportive by taking some of these worries off their plate. Offer specific ways you know you can help. Accept if they decline your help and tell them the offer still stands if they ever need you.
Check in regularly. Grieving is a continual process; survivors often grapple with long-lasting trauma and grief over months and years. Many bereaved begin to feel ignored and alone as time passes because fewer people check in. Don’t assume how a survivor is doing: ask. Continue to offer your help and emotional support after a loss, especially if enough time has passed that others may have moved on. That is when survivors often require the most support.
Know when to get outside help. If you suspect a survivor is suicidal or is seriously in danger of harming themselves or others, call you local emergency number or seek professional help immediately.
