Perhaps one of the most challenging things a parent can face is losing a child. You may be flooded with various feelings and emotions that can leave you wondering how you will get through this.
However, with help and time, you can recover. Understanding and acknowledging your feelings and reactions to this loss is essential; know that it will take time to go through the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and no rule says you have to finish grieving after a specific time. The important thing is that you take the time you need to go through the various stages of grief.
There are five stages of grief that are generally expected after a loss. You won’t go through the stages in any particular order, and there is no time limit for how long you must experience each stage.
The stages are:
Denial: Someone in this stage is in shock and disbelief about the loss. They cannot acknowledge the loss and may try to ignore it or pretend that nothing has happened. This stage can help protect a person from the immediate intensity of the loss.
Bargaining: In this stage, a person may focus on ways they could have prevented the loss or what they might have done differently. Sometimes a person will try to make a deal with someone or something, believing those actions can be undone. Feelings of guilt are common in this stage.
Anger: At this point, a person begins to realize the lack of control and power they had in preventing the loss. A person in this stage may lash out at friends, family and their faith. Sometimes the person will feel angry about being abandoned or left alone. There may be attempts to blame others for not preventing the loss.
Depression: The impact of the loss is felt in this stage, as well as the significance of the loss. People may have crying spells, difficulty eating or sleeping, poor concentration and lack of energy.
Acceptance: In this stage, people understand what the loss means to them and begin to move forward. They have integrated the loss with their life experiences. They have resolved their feelings about the loss and are able to cope with the grief on most days.
Dealing with the loss
When you lose a child, you may either want to shut down or pretend that everything is okay. While this might help to numb the pain, it will only work for a while and might have the unintended consequence of pushing away people that are important to you, like your spouse, family and friends.
To work through the grief, it’s essential to do the following:
Identify your support system. While you may sometimes feel alone while grieving, you are not. There are other people in your life that you can use for support. They may be family, friends, support groups, people in your faith community or mental health professionals.
Express your feelings. Do not be afraid to tell people how you feel or express your feelings. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel. If it is difficult to verbalize your emotions, use other methods like journaling or drawing to express yourself. It is vital to acknowledge your feelings to help you better cope with the loss.
Take care of yourself. When dealing with a stressful situation like a loss, it is easy to forget about taking care of yourself. It is essential to remember to eat and sleep adequately. It is okay to give yourself a break from the grief. Sometimes you may need a diversion from stress to allow you the opportunity to recharge mentally. Keeping yourself healthy makes it easier to cope with the loss. Avoid drinking alcohol or using drugs, as they will prevent you from progressing with your grief.
Do what works for you. Everybody has their own way of coping. For some people going to wakes and funerals, when the loss is a death, is important to them since it gives them a feeling of closure. For others, going to those events is too difficult, and they find other ways for closure, such as creating a memorial or engaging in an act to honor the lost person, such as planting flowers or donating to a favorite charity in their name. Whatever will help you handle with the loss in a healthy, productive way is acceptable.
Plan for the future. There will come times, like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and other special events, that will evoke intense feelings and emotions. This is normal and should be expected. Planning how to handle those times can make those special days less difficult.
